Dropped your sister off at school today, & amongst all the stuff she decided had to come with her, most of which she didn’t really need, I saw it. It’s my favorite picture of you, and of her, you were two, she was just born and you hovered over her protectively like you knew what you were doing. Suddenly rushes of color and images floor me and I’m struggling with the loss of the snaggle toothed little boy who regaled me with the tale of his genius pronounced by his teachers that day. I remember them going on and on about how smart you were, like they used to go on about me and such was my love for you, I was ever proud and never jealous.
As I arranged all the glittery carnation pink items with Hello Kitty stamped on them, I can distinctly feel the absence of laughter in my belly, something like “Bump Hello Kitty where the honeys with the Tinker Bell rooms!” was missing, heavy. When we put that picture up I knew she felt it too. All the drive home, I’m picturing your would be dorm, vs. your cell, how you would have been in heaven there with all the small town white girls, just your style and now, well I don’t wanna imagine.
Popped by the conscious store to center myself, screened a film called breaking the chains, saw Malcolm staring back at me, my hero, his every word utter inspiration to me, and I recall, he was in a cell like yours, with some folks that weren’t too self righteous to love. Cous, I am so ashamed. I popped off at the mouth so much about holding you down, being there for you and now I’m spitting nonsense like he ain’t wrote me, so I ain’t wrote him. I remember you were four your Granny would give your sister candy and not you, and if you cried, your dad would give you something to cry about. Me or my sister would take you to get your own and make it bigger than what she got. Where are those cousins now when you need em’. You’re making a stand refusing to accept the charges for a crime you didn’t commit though, it’s had you locked up longer, and I’m proud and distant.
I can’t even deny, she was favored by them, you know it. You swiped the car with her and for her and you got the thunder and lightning she got the Kleenex, but she was crying for you, and you never resented her, protected her and loved her well. Like I used to look out for you, and I don’t know what happened, but it’s over. I’m gonna use this time, while you are my captive audience to fill you up. I’m going to mean what I say and hold you down. I know turning nineteen, ain’t make you know growner or wiser, probably only meant heavier sentencing to you, so I’ma stop pretending you woke up one day and decided prison was the path for, like it wasn’t well laid for and hard as hell to stay off of. I’m keeping me and you dancing together in my mind, every time I hear I’m a buy you a drink, and I’m coming for you. It is not taboo to go back and fetch what you have forgotten, goes for me as well as for you. I love you cous.
